I’m sorry that I keep posting about this.
but I don’t want to talk to anyone about it. because I know what everyone will say. I know what everyone has said in the past. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to think about it. I just want to talk and be consoled for me, not for him.
I know he’s not perfect. but neither am I. were both good but bad for and with each other. we had an odd relationship, both pre and during. I can’t explain why I’m so hooked on him. I can’t explain what it is about him that makes me so crazy in love with him. I can’t explain why I’ve put up with everything he’s put me through and that we’ve been through together… but what matters is is that I am and I did, all of that… and even though our time is over I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. if I could, I’d probably do it all again as much as I hated it at times. why? because I love him… I always will. and I never wanted to lose him. I didn’t care what it took. everyone who knew could see that. everyone except for him. and he never will. and I don’t know why. and I probably never will.
I believed everything he said. all of it. I believed he wouldn’t hurt me. wouldn’t let me go. but we both did this. I had never felt so deeply that he was it. that he was the one I would end up marrying and grow old with. I never saw a future so clear. and now it’s all smoke. I see darkness. I see nothing.
I could never imagine a life without him and now I have to live that. my best friend is gone. having my phone in my hand or in my back pocket all the time will be pretty pointless now. waking up and being excited to be alive and having something to look forward to, having someone to look forward to talking to, to see… will be pointless now. he was literally my other half. he balanced me out in more ways than I can begin to describe. he knew exactly how to calm me down, he knew exactly how to make me feel better, he also knew exactly how to push my buttons and piss me off…
no one knows me better than he does, not even myself. no one had ever made me feel the way he did, both good and bad. no one got me the way that he did, even though he didn’t fully (but what does that tell you).
I’ve been through breakups before, worse ones at that, ones that went down pretty bad. but this, this one is by far the worse. not by how it happened, but by how it feels, what he meant and always will mean to me, how much I loved and always will love him. everything I did for him, gave up for him, made efforts for him… everything.
a part of me will always be broken. a part of me will always be missing. he was the missing piece. he completed me. he was what I needed and always will need.
I still can’t keep anything down. I just want to be ok.
Actually, I think the kid is playing Minecraft. Which is essentially digital Legos.
Two generations of creative people, just different methods of expression. Let’s not shit on the digital age as much, ‘eh?
You know what’s great about Minecraft?
You don’t get lacerations from stepping on it.
You know what’s great about legos?
Your shit doesn’t get blown up because a green penis snuck up on you.
Fun fact: if you approach an employee and insist that they go ‘check the back’ for an item that’s not on the shelf, there is a 90% chance that they’ll go to the back room, scratch their ass and check their text messages for five minutes, and come back out with a sympathetic smile and a ‘Sorry!’ because they know without even looking that the stock isn’t there.
Or the old “can you ask a manager?”
a public service announcement
I still don’t understand why none of my art teachers ever told us this.
People with anxiety:
- Know the worry is irrational
- Want to calm down but can’t
- Hate the fact that breathing feels like you are trying to breathe rocks instead of air
- Feel like they are drowning and suffocating. Telling them to just take a breath and calm down doesnt help.
- Want to stop shaking but can’t control their limbs.
- Just plain feel horrible and embarrassed.
Now I kinda understand anxiety from my friends a little
“It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child.”
― Pablo Picasso
coincidental that everything blurred except that one line?